A DISCO BALL

Last couple days I saw a post in Tiktok and a video said:

"a disco ball is hundred of pieces of broken glasses

put together to make a magical ball of light

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN

YOU ARE DISCO BALL"

I was freezing saw that video and repeated it again and again.

I kept thinking that I am a broken shit of woman.

Who thought that everyone will leave or ditch me.

But I make me realize that might be am a disco ball. I have that kind of shine and people will assumed that a party poppers. They only come but never stay. As if am a discotheque. 

Well let's say am a discotheque. What make a discotheque or a club loveable and people wont leave? No.. not the alcohol or substance... but the music. too much alcohol or substance will make a toxic for your body. But a good music and people dancing bring the happiness and joy.

So if am a disco ball... I need a good DJ to collabs with.

Because I always believe relationship = partnership.

33 Years Old Thought

I felt too often ranting in twitter and making stupid thread. So I was thinking, I better writing in here.

Anyway... BITCH AM OFFICIALLY 33 YEARS OLD!! Shiittttee so damn old.
Last year was no mountain but at least I got a kissed but ended up in drama. 

But this year I have mountain with my good friends and feel soooo much much happier. Mountain always know how to fix me. Oh also at that week ada acara Nyepi di Bali. And it was my very first time experienced it!. Super cool.

Meski seharian ga bisa kemana-mana cuman diem di kamar, dipping di pool (not skinny dipping of course) terus makan terus dipping lagi terus baca buku 2 baris terus ketiduran terus makan lagi terus bath tub an sambil nyobain bath bomb. terus  makan lagi terus malemnya stargazing.

Malam Nyepi di Bali itu Ah - Mah - Zing sekaliiii. I missed seeing stars at the sky but universe just shown me a beautiful night.

Mau nungguin milky way udah keburu ngantuk karena seharian bolak - balik pool macam atlet olimpic renang.

But stargazing and having my mind alone it's sooooo relaxing. It's been a year I never traveled this far and enjoy the night alone for a moment. I felt content, enough and happy. Living in life just to fulfil someone dream is sooo tiring and exhausted. Having that time and checking myself what I've been through, I feel proud of myself and thankful enough for being this strong.

People always think that am a happy go lucky person. But actually am an anxious one. Whenever you keep telling yourself that I am not a successful one in life. I keep comparing myself with others. And the social media keep telling us what is a beautiful yet fake life.

People think that am a good listener... because I know how it feel when you unheard. But I just cant tell my problem even to my good friend. Am lil picky about it. It's hard for me to trust someone.

People think that am a frank person because I said what in my mind rationally but the fact am just hiding my feeling. and being angry only make me more sad.

Life it's hard. You cant copy paste someone life into yours and get the same result. 
But hey Ello.. dont you forget when you are Indonesian and having conventional family... your option is limited. Moreover you live in same roof.

I said "I am OK if I left my parent and working far from her..." but they said "kasian ih El ibu kamu...."

Which one yang lebih kasian... your greatest potential is not growing because you cant choose freely or holding the thought that maybe you are not good enough.

Those are my loud thought but in a night the stars absorb it and hypnotized me and switched the thought.

You are not that old Ello.
You can always go get your dream no matter your age is. Never stop dreaming.
Your dream might be delayed because something good will coming for you.
Always listening what the universe tell you.
Everything in life is temporary begitu juga kesedihan dan kebahagian. But you can always choose what side you want.
What people said about you is not always about you, they just want to see you react.
When you see unfairness you have to said it out loud.
And always... It's ok to cut useless people.

x.o.x.o

Ello

Letter To 2020

Dear 2020,

You such a unique number and year. Before you started most of us planned something great and beautiful for 2020. Even we dreamt higher and bigger. 

For myself 2020 at first would be a great year and a dreamy one! Got bold with my dream and finally saw the sign came very strong. But suddenly all fell apart. As if I was played and fooled. 

Almost met a perfect guy but I was dreaming.... he's not that perfect.

Well like my life story in general... everything is almost...

But 2020... you thought me lately. yea lately... before I was hating you so much.
Lately you make me realize this year actually not that bad.

I feel I can breathe a little and not feel in a rush. Well after many arguments and some condition finally it works. Moreover when you live in old fashioned family.

This make me realize that I always have different way of think with common people in my life. That's why it's quite hard for me to find someone can sync with me.

Also lately I realized that in previous relationships I kept degrading myself just because I dont want to lose my partner at that time. Well it took times to realize it. It was felt right at that time but after that I realized it was such a fool and degrading myself. Well penyesalan selalu datang belakangan bukan?.

At least this year I reduce all the toxicity circle, the fake friends, cutting off people and threw up all negativity.

Smaller my circle but open with the new positivity and met new friends felt so great and fresh to see another point of view.

Also start thinking it's ok to be alone instead of keep bumping with the wrong person all the time.

Alone is a part of game for stupid thing called love.

Pengalaman Dioperasi Pertama Kali (Swollen Lymph Node Biopsy)

Setelah 32 tahun hidup akhirnya ngerasain yang namanya nginep di rumah sakit dan masuk ruang operasi. Nginep di rumah sakit pun sendiri karena dan selalu ditanya "gada yang jagain mba?" hehehe. Dan ketika operasi kalau ga dipaksa sama susternya ga akan minta si Ibu atau Adek buat dateng nungguin operasi.

Asal mulanya ketika udah sebel banget sama ngerasa sakit setiap kali jalan dan benjolan yang ada di paha atas (selangkangan) ga ilang-ilang. Kalau diinget-inget kapan mulai berasa sakit itu sekitar gak lama abis lebaran. Tiba-tiba ada benjolan terus gak lama kemudian setiap kalau dari duduk ke posisi berdiri itu ngerasa sakit banget.

Dan sempet demam tinggi setiap malam selama 3 hari... dikira DB karena panas tinggi dan hasil tes darah trombosit turun dan sel darah putih naik. Tapi emang benjolan di paha emang udah ada dan ga ngira kalau benjol dan demam itu berhubungan. Karena sempat ngira abis kepentok sesuatu sampe benjol jadi cuman dikompres pake icepack.

Self Isolation Activity

I can be really good when doing nothing for couple of days. But when it tooooo much I can be so frustrated as well. Hehehhe. Most of us doing the self isolation also social distancing. We dont do hang out with our friends. Not running or cycling in group. Even going out for groceries can be feel paranoid as well.

I heard many company did the lay off to the employees and creating many unemployment. That's soo horrible. Since ramadhan will coming soon and the need to fulfill your basic necessity can be frustrating. Some cities doing the lockdown to avoid people enter their city, in the sake of to stop the pandemic. While the people who jobless because of this pandemic try to return to their home because living in the city will burden them financially. This is world issue... almost every country in the world has this issue. 

My office not apply WFH to all their employee (yet) but we work shiftly. 2/3 days work and 2/3 days WFH. I worked in the part of event activity.. which most of schedule for events were canceled. This March I supposedly have busy weekend. But since all the activity stop and canceled until this pandemic over, I have to find out what kind activity that we can do during this situation. Yea the business has to be still on... kalau tida bagaimana aku bisa kerja dan bergaji? :'(.