Hi There Universe

I just lost my motivation doing my trail race this year. Nothing excite me. But I still love climb the mountain tho.

I have a drawback lately. Wondering my passion is a bliss or somewhat a lead to another disaster. I am person when I chase my dream I will totally focus on it. When people support me, their support is my fuel. But when the support was not there anymore Am drowning. I stop chasing my dream.
But last time when my respected people called me, he enlighted me to comeback. Just that kind of hope I feel arise a lil bit.

Deep inside my head I ate what people said to me: 
"Lari jauh-jauh, masuk hutan keluar gunung, lantas lo dapat apa? Juara sih tapi ga dapet apa-apa. Cari pacar ga perlu gitu-gitu amat."
"Apa lagi sih yang dicari? Emang mau yang kaya gimana?"

I knew it was a joke. But you know I can be a sensitive person sometime. It just a minor thought. But what push me back was..... I was wondering the future. I just hate it why they asked that kind of question. Dan yang paling bete kalau ditanya hal begitu and they demand the answer. Lah mana aing tauuu.... kalau ada time stone nya Dr. Strange urang pinjem bentar deh. Pengen gitu teriak "HOW THE FUCK I KNOW!"



I have a certain goal in my life currently. Iya currently. Karena dari beberapa tahun lalu I quit to making goal. I was just too devastated. But when I came back and propose my new goal, universe said... hold on or maybe not now. 

Hahaha kalau diinget dulu teh punya short term goal sama long term goal. Dan ketika semua plan gagal.... Planning mau jalan-jalan aja gagal mulu.

I am in confusion and somewhat let what universe bring me this time and let me adjust the goal again. Life without goal really really confuse me. Kayak manusia labil gitu urang teh jadinya. I dont know what to achieve or what to catch about.

Even in my birthday (I just getting hate it each year) I have no wish. I hate all routinity and celebration each year because the feeling is the same. Empty. Time really fly so fast. I still remember very clear what happened last year. As if it's just tomorrow.

So yeah this is mixed up mood. But I try to feel grateful each day. But I dont know if it's enough. I dont know to get rid off this feeling. The hatred, guilty, rage feeling. 


Ok postnya jadi ngaco dan ngelantur.... mungkin efek puasa (yea blame it El 😒 )

Maybe the scars will remain there forever just need a good concelear to cover it.