Back To 3,265 ASML (Mount Lawu)

So based on my last post I felt burnout lately and totally losing my interest with my work. I keep proscranited work and things that I usually enjoy suddenly become a boredom. Apalagi denger bunyi notif wasap... astaga udah benci banget denger suaranya. Kayak selalu dicariin dan ga bisa tenang, takut kalo bales lama bakal ditelepon. Yeah basically I got anxiety during the burn out. 

Kenapa bisa burn out? Well lately semenjak PPKM ini semua activity di push online. Jadi kegiatan dipindah either IG Live atau Zoom. For IG Live actually will less work for me, karena biasanya ga tampil, cuman mantau aja dari hp atau laptop. Tapi kalo webinar... it seem I plan everything for the show. Ya script nya, ya ngebrief pembicaranya, ya jadi host nya, ya present beberapa materi. Jadi ga bisa ditinggal gitu. Apalagi webinar itu bisa lebih dari 1 jam. Dan biasanya setelah office hours. Belum lagi kalau ada kerjaan di weekend. The problem is I can't randomly online at wherever, karena butuh sinyal yang bagus dan stabil. Belum lagi kalau jadi host. Jadi asa kudu standby di rumah. Also it become too often and makes me bored to the death. Sampai pernah ketika lagi ngehost aing teh ngeblank beberapa detik karena udah lelah.

Terus setelah 2 minggu lalu ikutan race di Jatinangor dan ketemu temen-temen for a weekend, I still not feel in the mood for work. Everything just a stagnant life rhythm. Pas cek kalender actually I already planning two leave days. Tapi masih belum jelas mau kemana jadi masih galau mau ngajuin atau enggak.

Plan A, mau naik Sumbing / Sindoro tapi ternyata temenku yang udah tinggal disana bilang kalau dia lagi ga bisa nemenin. Mikir-mikir gunung mana yang udah buka (karena belum semua gunung udah buka) akhirnya milih buat ke Solo buat naik Lawu. Meskipun udah pernah naik Lawu 2 tahun yang lalu, gunung ini langsung naik jadi peringkat 1 jadi gunung favorit di pulau Jawa. I just really love this mountain (I don't know why).

Andai Aku Jadi Nia Ramadhani

Another day another lockdown... PPKM diperpanjang lagi. Selama cicilan mobil belum beres... I dont feel significantly matter to me. It's ok... lockdown bikin jadi tabungan nambah dikit. asal ga sering2 check out barang. dan as long as ga WFO. sudah terlalu nyaman sama WFH. Irit bensin dan irit jajan... 

Well as usual I come to write whenever I feel my head about to blow. Mau nulis pake bahasa suka2 aing ajalah lagi cape mikir.

Lately kayaknya lagi dikelilingin negative vibe. Gw si manusia yang bisa ngerasain energy (believe it or not) ngerasa jadi cape. But not everything is negative sihh.... tapi karena lo ga suka energi itu you try to defeat it... ngerti gasi? ahahaha gw juga gapaham sih.

But how do I know? yaa lately gw ngerasa cape dan overwhelmed. A lot of factors sih.. dari energi lingkungan rumah dan kerjaan yang gw rasa makin sarap sampe mau muntah. Kerjaan ga sampe lembur-lembur sih. Tapi karena gw tipe orang yang ga mau ngerjain sampe lembur so I've try to accelerating dong. I don't know mungkin gw nya aja yang lambat dan lemot. Tapi mobil aja klo dibawa ngebut terus juga bensinnya cepet abis. no? Pas gw told the truth kalo gw burnout cuman dibilang "iya sama..." "sabar aja"

ummm.. how it help, tho? seriously?

(anyway ini gw ngetik sambil ceurik plus ngaca.... naha cewe2 kalau ceurik bisa cakep lantas aing siga jurik :( )

Mid Year of 2021

 Helloo..

Just to update the world in case someone read it in 2040 or more.. we in 2021, at Indonesia currently just hit 2nd wave of Covid-19. (anj emang).

When you thought at early 2021 it's getting better, et voila... here we are in Delta Variant attack. They are more bad and more contagious. They said within 5 secs if in a room with a positive Covid-19 with Delta variant they will infected you as well.

Next variant will infected you through virtual message. Just like trojan virus (only millenial understand this heheh).

So yeah... we are in lockdown. event more stricker. you can't go inside the town if you don't have any permit from your office or government. but guess what.. this is indonesia bitcheeesss... you can't apply that kinda of rule like in europe and apply it here. They need money to live. The factory need the employee to run the machine.

Another worst thing in this delta variant... many young people die. At first I thought "ahh they died just because they old or having complication from the disease..". But the young people who smokes and having comorbid also in very danger situation when facing delta variant.

Meanwhile.... in Europe they already going out without mask. Held the Euro, Tour de France, Wimbledon, some music concerts, etc. What a contrary.

A DISCO BALL

Last couple days I saw a post in Tiktok and a video said:

"a disco ball is hundred of pieces of broken glasses

put together to make a magical ball of light

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN

YOU ARE DISCO BALL"

I was freezing saw that video and repeated it again and again.

I kept thinking that I am a broken shit of woman.

Who thought that everyone will leave or ditch me.

But I make me realize that might be am a disco ball. I have that kind of shine and people will assumed that a party poppers. They only come but never stay. As if am a discotheque. 

Well let's say am a discotheque. What make a discotheque or a club loveable and people wont leave? No.. not the alcohol or substance... but the music. too much alcohol or substance will make a toxic for your body. But a good music and people dancing bring the happiness and joy.

So if am a disco ball... I need a good DJ to collabs with.

Because I always believe relationship = partnership.

33 Years Old Thought

I felt too often ranting in twitter and making stupid thread. So I was thinking, I better writing in here.

Anyway... BITCH AM OFFICIALLY 33 YEARS OLD!! Shiittttee so damn old.
Last year was no mountain but at least I got a kissed but ended up in drama. 

But this year I have mountain with my good friends and feel soooo much much happier. Mountain always know how to fix me. Oh also at that week ada acara Nyepi di Bali. And it was my very first time experienced it!. Super cool.

Meski seharian ga bisa kemana-mana cuman diem di kamar, dipping di pool (not skinny dipping of course) terus makan terus dipping lagi terus baca buku 2 baris terus ketiduran terus makan lagi terus bath tub an sambil nyobain bath bomb. terus  makan lagi terus malemnya stargazing.

Malam Nyepi di Bali itu Ah - Mah - Zing sekaliiii. I missed seeing stars at the sky but universe just shown me a beautiful night.

Mau nungguin milky way udah keburu ngantuk karena seharian bolak - balik pool macam atlet olimpic renang.

But stargazing and having my mind alone it's sooooo relaxing. It's been a year I never traveled this far and enjoy the night alone for a moment. I felt content, enough and happy. Living in life just to fulfil someone dream is sooo tiring and exhausted. Having that time and checking myself what I've been through, I feel proud of myself and thankful enough for being this strong.

People always think that am a happy go lucky person. But actually am an anxious one. Whenever you keep telling yourself that I am not a successful one in life. I keep comparing myself with others. And the social media keep telling us what is a beautiful yet fake life.

People think that am a good listener... because I know how it feel when you unheard. But I just cant tell my problem even to my good friend. Am lil picky about it. It's hard for me to trust someone.

People think that am a frank person because I said what in my mind rationally but the fact am just hiding my feeling. and being angry only make me more sad.

Life it's hard. You cant copy paste someone life into yours and get the same result. 
But hey Ello.. dont you forget when you are Indonesian and having conventional family... your option is limited. Moreover you live in same roof.

I said "I am OK if I left my parent and working far from her..." but they said "kasian ih El ibu kamu...."

Which one yang lebih kasian... your greatest potential is not growing because you cant choose freely or holding the thought that maybe you are not good enough.

Those are my loud thought but in a night the stars absorb it and hypnotized me and switched the thought.

You are not that old Ello.
You can always go get your dream no matter your age is. Never stop dreaming.
Your dream might be delayed because something good will coming for you.
Always listening what the universe tell you.
Everything in life is temporary begitu juga kesedihan dan kebahagian. But you can always choose what side you want.
What people said about you is not always about you, they just want to see you react.
When you see unfairness you have to said it out loud.
And always... It's ok to cut useless people.

x.o.x.o

Ello